In case you're new here - hi. My name is Emily Rosson and I'm a licensed professional counselor. Once a month (or more accurately, about once a month but usually once every two months) I post a book review. I'm in a book club with a few other counselors (therapists) and our goal is to read popular psychoeducation or self-help books. Sometimes we'll read other books, like last month when we read Jennette McCurdy's book I'm Glad My Mom Died (PS here's where my every-other-month deal comes in... I'm still working on my review for that one. But here's a hint: 10/10 book).
About the author: Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW (she/her) has her Masters in Social Work from Wayne State University and is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in North Carolina. Her website says that she's been providing relationship therapy for 15 years and teaching people how to set boundaries with others and with themselves. She runs a fantastic Instagram account, @nedratawwab, and has over 1.6 million followers. In short, she's a therapist goddess.
I follow Tawwab on Instagram because she delivers the most perfect tidbits of boundary setting and relationship health in bite-sized pieces that are easy to consume, understand, and follow. She uses a fair amount of self-disclosure about how she is healing from lack of boundaries, and provides beautiful affirmations. I am so genuinely inspired by her.
And I found this book so lackluster.
The tasty tidbits!
I rated it: 6/10 (6.5 if I’m feeling generous)
The book club gave it: 5.66/10
Meant for: Clinicians / Clients, kind of
My Impression
I really, really, really wanted to love this book. I love Tawwab. I read the description of the book and felt so enthused by the knowledge I was going to gather and be able to dispense to my clients. I was so eager to learn more. The cover called me with its simplicity - it gave me a feeling of childhood, crayons, ease. It only encouraged the feeling of excitement.
Silly me. Don't judge a book by its cover, Emily. Funnily how easily I can apply that adage to people but not to literal books.
I had to restart reading this book three times. I found my attention waning and I kept putting it down to do, I guess, other things. The book club meets on a Thursday, so the Monday of the week I had to sit down and math out to separate the book into four sections so I could tackle one each day. It amounted to about 60 pages each day. Monday, reading completing with hesitancy and multiple breaks. Tuesday? Skipped. Wednesday? Skipped. Thursday? Yeah, I read the rest of the whole book because I was accountable to the book club. I literally finished it right as I had to be leaving the house to meet up.
And I LOVE to read. As I write this, I literally read a great dystopian-disguised-as-utopia young adult fiction book in one day and am forcing myself to sit down write this book review before I read the sequel of that book.
Maybe it was the layout of this book - I found it difficult to follow and a bit chaotic. Maybe the headings weren't consistent. I literally cannot tell you because I don't know why I couldn't stay focused.
Anyways, point being... I found this book dry, unexciting, and skippable. I still admire Tawwab and will binge-read her professional Instagram like nobody's business.
Warning: Harmful Advice? Yes. Kind of. Also: It's Shallow.
This book felt surface level. I will admit fully and without reservation that this may be due to my own personal experience and that I am not the target demographic for this book. Not at this point in my life, although in the past I probably could have benefitted. It's hard for me to tell. I can tell you that in the past I did struggle with boundaries, I am just unsure if this book would have helped me. (PS I'm not magic with boundaries now, but I am definitely better).
This book is targeted towards baby boundary setters. People who are new in the exploration of boundaries, learning about healthy relationships, and identifying characteristics of unhealthiness in a relationship. That's not where I am now, so this book did not resonate with me. Do I think this is a good book for baby boundary setters? Not really.
Perhaps if you, dear Reader, are learning boundaries, this book would reverberate strongly with you. And that is where my WARNING, CAUTION, CAUTION, sign starts blaring. It's not a "ten out of ten warning, the Titanic is sinking, everything is on fire" (if you've been a client of mine in the past you'll probably recognize this saying of mine) but it's a 7/10 warning. Be cautious, look out, potential falling rocks ahead.
Tawwab cautions the reader that they will always feel guilty about boundary setting (and does normalize that guilt will likely occur, so that's genuinely great, thank you for normalizing) but this isn't always accurate. For instance there are many boundaries I've set that I have zero guilt about; from ending unhealthy friendships, declining an event invitation due to my social meter being full, blocking phone numbers, to responding to texts only when I have the energy to do so. I would've liked Tawwab to include constant reminders (I counted only one time where she did) that guilt is a byproduct of feeling like we are doing something wrong, and that setting boundaries is not wrong. That's a result of conditioning from our families, environment, society, etc., that teaches us boundaries aren't appropriate or are selfish. Let's de-program, okay? SETTING BOUNDARIES ELICITS GUILT DUE TO INGRAINED BELIEFS THAT IT IS WRONG TO TELL SOMEONE NO. That's bullshit. Let's normalize telling people no, that it is okay to feel guilty, and that hopefully you won't always as you get more practice and become more comfortable. It is okay to say no. It is healthy to say no. It is respectful to yourself and to others to say no.
Tawwab describes in the beginning stages of the book about different types of boundaries which she labels as porous, rigid, or healthy. She labels some examples of porous boundaries as "oversharing, co-dependency, enmeshment (lacking emotional separation between you and another person), inability to say no, people-pleasing, dependency on feedback from others, paralyzing fear of being rejected, accepting mistreatment" (p. 10). Here was my first issue -- some of these 'examples' are NO BOUNDARIES, not "porous" boundaries. Porous implies a space with gaps that leak - sure, co-dependency, enmeshment, that fits. But accepting mistreatment? Not saying no? People-pleasing? That ain't porous, that's lack of.
She also advises someone not to explain their boundaries. There's a spectrum of agreement and disagreement on this just inside me, but I mostly disagree. I believe that ABSOLUTELY, sometimes "no" is the only boundary you need to set and that it requires no communication or explanation. "No" is a complete sentence and I'm all for using it. But it all depends on the type of boundary being violated and communicated, and who it is being communicated to. I believe that boundaries should be provided context unless the situation is extreme, i.e., unsafe, abusive, or been asserted multiple times (they already had context and do not require it more than three times maximum - anything more than that is likely pretending to be oblivious to skate around your boundary). But again, context matters.
Let's pretend I was invited out to dinner with some friends and I am too tired to go. Here are two possible responses to decline:
"No."
"I'm fairly drained from work this past week and a bit too tired to attend. Thank you, but I'll say no and have to to catch you next time!"
Which one is more likely to have the other person on guard, defensive, anxious? Answer: The first one.
Which one is more likely to alienate my friendship? Answer: The first one.
Which one of these two is least likely to cause conflict? Answer: The second one.
"No, I won't be coming to family vacation" versus "Mom, I won't be coming to family vacation because I feel uncomfortable around your new boyfriend since we haven't spent enough time together."
It is fair to say that providing the explanation can sometimes open up the conversation for why this boundary is important to you and you aren't interested in that conversation. That is why I just said this book should be read with CAUTION, not a one-size-fits-all mentality. It's a fair introduction, but it's certainly not the commandments of boundary setting.
Semantics, semantics.
I felt like some of the languages or descriptions in this book were harmful. I'm big on trying to choose the right words. I think this is important for emotional regulation, healthy communication, and understanding ourselves. I frequently pause in conversations, both with clients and outside of therapy, to say "hmm, how do I say this? Give me a second." while I collect my thoughts. I've had people in the past comment and laugh at me on this, but I quickly got over any embarrassment when I realized I valued my genuine expression over their discomfort with my pause. It's important to me to speak in the most genuine fashion, and that means I'm gonna pause, collect what I'd like to say, and not apologize.
In the previous section of this review, I addressed Tawwab's explanation of different kinds of boundaries. At one point she references "accepting mistreatment". I'm not a big fan of the "accepting" mistreatment lingo, and this theme occurs throughout. Tawwab invites the reader to ask themselves what they are doing to attract this type of manipulative or disrespectful person in one chapter. I get it, she's trying to encourage taking accountability and making changes, but it felt... targeted (there I go, pausing in my writing!). We cannot change the behavior of others, so we don't "accept mistreatment" in my mind. We accept their presence in our lives, which is not equivalent to accepting their mistreatment; I wish Tawwab would've explore this more rather than point the finger at the reader. There is a minor semantics distinction between these two things but a distinction nonetheless, and am important one to explore because it is a large difference in meanings.
I feel like she constantly intermixed the definitions and use of boundaries, rules, and expectations.
Here's my definition.
Boundaries: The rules of how I'd like to be treated by another person in a relationship, and identifies the limit of these rules and any potential consequences. Boundaries are more personal. It is my limits in a relationship.
Expectation: My belief what the other person should fulfill and their role. Expectations are rules and obligations associated with social decorum, morality, legality. They are also patterns of predictable outcomes. People can have their own individual expectations of others based on societal norms or personal norms.
Boundary:
"I feel overwhelmed when politics are brought up because it usually becomes an argument. Our relationship is important to me. Please do not bring up politics anymore. If you do continue to bring up politics, I will change the subject and refuse to participate."
"I am still grieving about the loss of my relationship and I feel caught off guard when you unexpectedly mention my ex-partner. Please don't bring them up first anymore and let me bring up the conversation or their name when I'm ready."
"I've been hearing that you are saying untrue things and gossiping negatively about me behind our back. If you have an issue with me, I'd prefer you bring it to me and we can talk about it. If you continue to lie about me or say negative things behind my back, our friendship will come to an end."
Expectation:
That a partner contributes equally to the household by completing chores without reminders.
That a parent does not hit, spank, or abuse their child.
That my dog doesn't pee in the house.
That people don't steal my mail.
That my heat kicks on at 65 degrees because I've set the thermostat to do so.
That people don't drive over the double bolded yellow line on the street
That people don't drive the wrong way down a one-way road.
That coworkers contribute equally to a group project.
If I pay money for fast food, I expect to see all the food I ordered in the bag.
I do expect people to arrive at the time they said they would, and notify me if they won't.
An expectation can become a communicated boundary. I expect that people treat customer service workers well. If I have a friend who treats the waitress rudely when we are out for dinner, it is my job to communicate the rules of our spending time together when I do not want to spend time with this person because of their behaviors. "I'm uncomfortable because it seems to me like you're being disrespectful to our waitress. It's important to me that we treat food workers with respect. If you are unable to be respectful to her, I will have to leave and I will have to rethink going out to dinner with you in the future."
Or, like my last point in the Expectation bullet points. I do expect people to arrive at the time that they said they would. (There's a grace period here if someone is a few minutes late then I understand. Traffic, hitting lots of red lights, parking situations, leaving the house a few minutes late, I get.) If I have a friend that is consistently 30 minutes late, I will set a boundary. "Hey, I've noticed that whenever you say you'll be here at a specific time you're usually really late, about 30 minutes late. It's okay to me if you're going to be a few minutes late but I need a warning if you're going to be more than 10 minutes late. If you aren't [at my house/at the restaurant/at the place where we said we'll meet up], then I will leave without you and we'll have to reschedule."
I might have to write an additional blog post on the subject of rules vs. expectations vs. boundaries because my, oh my, do I have a lot to say.
The Good Parts
I can't rip this book to pieces without mentioning there were some parts that I loved and enthusiastically stickied.
I loved that this book contained reflection exercises at the end of every chapter. I found that these exercises might help someone really develop insight as to why they don't have boundaries, fears around setting boundaries, and what kind of boundaries they want.
"Clarity save relationships" (p. XVIII)
The list of "Reasons People Don't Respect Your Boundaries" (p. XVIII)
"Saying no [...] is an act of self-care" (p. 6)
The explanation that the two parts of setting boundaries are to COMMUNICATE and then to take ACTION. That communicating is not enough, but you must follow through on what you communicate and that we cannot expect others to read our minds.
The examples of what boundary violations or pushing on others' boundaries looks like (although I don't agree with the categories in which these are organized, being aware of potential unhelpful reactions from others when we boundary set is important)
The slightly noted section which indicated that oftentimes, people are capable of following boundaries... they just don't want to because your boundary now inconveniences them (for whatever likely maladjusted reason).
The questions to consider before we cut someone off
The section of common areas where communication issues arise in couples (which is really just a great list for those romantic relationships starting to develop and to identify if it is a relationship that should continue due to long-term alignment).
My Final Thoughts
Keep in mind, I'm a therapist reviewing another therapist's work. Therapists will inherently disagree with one another on treatment method, whether to self-disclose, if a therapist should remain a blank slate, etc. We go around and around talking about this. My slightly-off-topic point being that, once again, I love Tawwab and I don't have to agree with her on everything. With this book, I disagreed on a fair amount.
If you are a person who feels capable of discerning what is healthy and what is harmful AND you're still learning boundary setting, this book is probably a decent tool for you. You'll learn more about others' reactions to your boundaries, get the validation that "it's about them, not about you", and learn some methods of setting boundaries. This book is not a one-size-fits-all approach and it should not be taken as such. If this is your first foray into boundary setting... please be critical of this book.
Please evaluate this book and, Reader, watch your black-and-white thinking, your all-or-nothing thinking. Discuss this book with your therapist, or maybe potentially a trusted friend with whom you admire, have a healthy relationship, models healthy boundary setting, and consents to this conversation. Preferably your therapist though... because friends aren't therapists -- and I'll agree with Tawwab on this one... using a friend as your therapist isn't having good boundaries.